The Pre-Marriage Questionnaire: Why Wait Until You're Engaged ...

pre-marriage-questionnaireMany couples complete a pre-wedding questionnaire, usually administered by their minister or priest a few months before the wedding.? Hopefully, the questionnaire will spur dialogue to help couples understand each other at a deeper level and reveal areas where they are not currently aligned; i.e. areas for further discussion.

While certainly an important part of the wedding-planning process, isn?t this a little late? How unsettling it would be for couples only months away from their wedding to learn of disconnects on major issues.

True, better late than never. ?However, there are many good questionnaires available, at little to no cost, to facilitate such a discussion before a couple even decides to become engaged.? Some couples can do on their own, and some need a trained facilitator.

If you?re in a relationship and looking for such a questionnaire, here are five possibilities. Two are questionnaires which can be used merely as a thoughtful discussion guide for the two of you. Three are questionnaires that will show you how you?re doing in comparison to surveys of successfully married couples.

THE TREK MARRIAGE QUESTIONNAIRE

If the two of you want to go it alone, without a minister or facilitator, the TREK marriage questionnaire offers a set of very thought-provoking questions. It?s free and available online (just click the above link).

Sample questions include ?List a few character traits or attributes about your partner?s parents that you really like and tell why you like these attributes? or ?Share some things your future partner does which make it difficult to share yourself with him/her.?

Questionnaire categories include relationships with family, giving and receiving love, personal communication, conflicting, fighting and being hurt, sexual relationship, ?when it gets bad?, interests, money and career expectations, children and expectations, and spiritual relationship. There is also a set of questions for those previously married and those marrying cross-culturally.

Made available online by Paddy Ducklow, a psychologist and professor at Carey Theological College, and his wife, Carole Ducklow, a registered clinical counselor, this free questionnaire is an older version of the TREK Questionnaire used for pre-marriage, re-marriage and early marriage by many churches. (The updated and reformatted TREK Questionnaire is available for purchase on their web site)

ABOUT.COM

Another go-it-alone discussion guide is available at no cost from Sheri and Bob Stritof, marriage workshop leaders, on their About.com site. They offer a number of questions for discussion but frankly I feel the TREK questions are more helpful in framing the discussion. The About.com questions are pretty broad.

A few sample questions include ?Why are we getting married?? and ?Was your family affectionate?? Categories include family of origin, self image, time and chores, money, parenting, spirituality and religion, sex and conflict. The list also includes questions submitted by readers.

RELATE

RELATE is also a survey you can complete on your own. You will get a report to show you how you?re doing compared with successfully married couples. The questionnaire is for couples as well as singles who are unattached.

The RELATE survey is, according to their website, a research-based questionnaire based on the four major predictors of marital stability. You complete the survey online; after which you are provided a personalized report that shows your strengths as well as areas for improvement.

Sample questions include: ?I try to apply ideas about effective relationships to improving our relationship? and ?In most matters I understand what my partner is trying to say;? answering rarely, sometimes, or usually.

RELATE was developed by the Marriage Study Consortium at Brigham Young University. The RELATE questionnaire is $20 per person or $40 per couple. Price includes the questionnaire, a full-color report you download and print from your printer, and technical support during your assessment.

PREPARE-ENRICH

The PREPARE/ENRICH survey is administered through trained counselors, pastors and clergy. If you are not working with a minister or counselor, you can search for a trained facilitator in your area using their website. They also provide a list of helpful questions you can ask a potential facilitator to find the right facilitator for you.

You complete the questionnaire online. After which, you receive a written report with easy-to-read charts showing your strengths and areas for growth. Categories include marriage expectations, personality, communication, conflict resolution, finances, having fun together, sex, parenting, dealing with family and friends, spirituality, and flexibility. Your facilitator will help you understand the results.

There are versions available for premarital couples, premarital couples with children, cohabiting couples with or without children, and couples over the age of 50.

PREPARE/ENRICH began in 1980 as a result of several research projects at the University of Minnesota by Dr. David Olson. Cost varies depending upon the administrator.

FOCCUS

Like PREPARE/ENRICH, FOCCUS is a pre-marriage inventory that needs to be administered by a trained minister, counselor or priest. Originally designed for the Catholic Church (Slate magazine calls it The Pope Quiz), it?s now used by just as many non-Catholic organizations as Catholic.

You need to meet with a FOCCUS facilitator (If you don?t have a facilitator, you can search for one in your area on their website) who then administers the test either online or with a paper version (Remember the days of #2 pencils?). You then receive a personalized report from your facilitator who helps you understand the results. According to their website, it is not a test but, rather, a report, which shows patterns of strengths and areas that need attention.

Same questions include ?We are in agreement about the husband and wife roles each of us expects of the other in our marriage relationship? and ?We disagree with each other over some teachings of the church? answering with agree, disagree or don?t know.

Some of the categories include communication, problem-solving, religion, dual careers, cohabitation, parenting, sexuality, and finances. It also includes special sections for interfaith couples, cohabiting couples and couples in which one or both partners are remarrying.

Cost varies depending upon the administrator.

If you?re already married, many of these surveys offer questions that can serve as a guide for a rich discussion between the two of you, one that you may have never had or one that needs revisiting.

Posted on 24. Aug, 2011 by Pat in Weddings

Tags: compatibility test, counseling marriage, couples counseling, marital counseling, marriage counseling, marriage counselor, marriage counselors, marriage questionnaire, online marriage counseling, pre-marital counseling, pre-marriage, pre-marriage compatibility test, pre-marriage counseling, pre-marriage counselors, pre-marriage questionnaire, pre-marriage questionnaires, pre-marriage questions, pre-marriage quiz, relationships, wedding planning

Source: http://blog.amigram.com/wedding-planning/the-pre-marriage-questionnaire-why-wait-until-youre-engaged/

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